Tranparency: Giving Reality a Makeover

It was never really a decision. As soon as I was told I had cancer I knew I would tell my story. It was almost as if I was given an assignment along with my diagnosis. I have gotten unbridled support from the community in general, but some of my closer friends are surprised and perplexed by my openness. It makes me wonder how genuine I have been in my private life, or how much attention any one has actually paid to me. Have I shared, even with those closest to me how much I have changed inside?

We live in a world of information overload, and much of it is disingenuous. “Reality” TV is as far removed from reality as The National Enquirer, but people soak it up like a self help documentary. I don’t want to contribute to that.

Not to say that what I have been writing the past year is false, but I was reaching for a certain flavor, or kind of information that I thought would best help me sell my work. I never did that very well as I am a pretty open book by nature. Now, I feel I must be even more transparent, as much for myself as anyone else. I need to know myself. Cancer is teaching me who I am.

This past Sunday was a hell day for me. I sat here writing my biweekly post for Scoutie Girl about how I am relearning to embrace simple pleasures. Meanwhile I was sucking up pain from the fact that I had not pooped in 10 days. Yeah, 10 days. Have I mentioned pain killers cause constipation? Anyhow I was busy being sick in other ways, and somehow didn’t notice how long it had been until it was an emergency. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU! Four hours in the ER got things moving with much humiliation and pain. My gracious husband right there for the show. Thank You Steve!

My point in telling you this now is, that while I wrote about knitting and shopping for fresh food, rather than agonizing bowel pain (reality) I was telling my truth. Somehow writing through the pain was cathartic and very honest, and I think it came through. That is how this disease has changed me so far. It has stripped away any illusions about what I am and am capable of. On Monday I was all afire with this notion of transparency, but still too sick to write. I was tending to the small stuff and got an email that someone had added me on G+. As usual I went to see who this is and do I want to add them back. What I found is a great explanation of tranparency.

“Transparency. The experience: The more you dare to share and put out there = the more you can trust yourself. And the more others trust you. This is important. Necessary. What we are up against right now.” ~Premakarini

Yes, exactly what I was thinking!

“Transparency is about engaging the world at your highest frequency. Whatever this is for you. You live out loud, totally in the moment. You trust that the world can handle it {it can, in fact its crying out for this from you right now} it’s a level of passion and presence that resonates more powerfully than you can imagine” ~Premakarini

Yes, again! As I move through life with cancer I have no time for paying small, for being one iota less than everything I can be. As I continue to write here, and create new works, I expect I will be surprised by some of what comes up. I welcome it all.

From the Heart,

18 Responses to Tranparency: Giving Reality a Makeover
  1. Mr. Man
    February 2, 2012 | 10:10 pm

    Your welcome

    Love Steve

  2. Debbie Young
    February 3, 2012 | 11:03 pm

    I so appreciate this post Gwyn. I’ve been feeling vulnerable not because of illness but because I can’t help being who I am even if it seems like it may make others uncomfortable.

    This post confirms that what ever I’m going through, right now it’s grief and learning to be loved, there is benefit in it for myself and others.

    Life, every bit of it, is the wellspring of art. Here’s to finding expression for what’s real. Thanks!

  3. Emma
    February 3, 2012 | 11:50 pm

    (Hey, there’s another Steve Comment! :)

    I think we’ll all be impressed again and again by what you create/reveal/express.

    I like this concept that “the world can handle it.”

  4. Sara Benowitz
    February 5, 2012 | 12:27 am

    Gwyn, I appreciate people who are open and honest – and cool – so much, and so appreciate this post – and you – and how you are handling this time in your life. And so sorry about that nasty bout of constipation. Max had a stomach thing the last couple of weeks that made him not poop for 7 days and I was getting scared, but then, thank goodness and the Poop God, 7 days’ worth of poop paid a visit, just in time. Much love and best wishes to you and Steve; I am thinking of you both every day — Sara

  5. Marla Cohen
    February 7, 2012 | 3:06 am

    May I just say, Gwyn, that you are awesome! Your courage to be so open and share so much of yourself while you’re going through so much is inspiring beyond words. I,be been reading your blog, and thinking of you, and sending you as much good energy and prayers for health and wholeness as my heart can hold. Go, You, amazing lady!!!

  6. Lyndy Abbott
    February 8, 2012 | 4:12 am

    Gwen, after hearing about your story I found myself here
    and got a wonderful lesson in living out loud. Thank you for improving our lives with your strength and bravery, many blessings to you, Love You,lyndy

  7. Dale
    February 14, 2012 | 11:53 pm

    Just want you to remember — your family loves you very much Gwynnie.

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