Time Flies When It Is Not Standing Still

It was two whole months on Wednesday since my back surgery. It was also seven whole months since I first heard the word Cancer in relation to my life. Seven months I have lived with this, and I can say it has been a tediously long seven months at the same time as it has flown by. One thing after another it has been and not much good news.

I have come to realize that if Cancer will not provide me with any good news, I need to start making my own.

In the meantime I’ve been waffling. I like the sound of that word, waffle, waffle, waffle. It has an onomatopoeic quality even if it is not an action with a sound. I could waffle this whole post on the word waffle. In real life I was waffling about living, I mean really living. Back and forth making excuses. Blathering my tiresome complaints. I’ll get back to my art and writing when I recover from  surgery, when my stomach feels better, when the medicine starts working, when Cyber Knife is done. Waffle…

I have also come to realize that if I wait for the day I feel really well I may never lift a finger again. So, here I am ready to get back to some kind of regular something, although I can’t say exactly what. Still I hesitate. I want to have good news to report. I want to feel decent for more than one or two days at a time.

Seven months of feeling mostly unwell. Here is what I can tell you. I have recovered well from surgery. That is good news. I have most of my energy back, no pain in the low back, and flexibility is far better than I expected. Good news. I have also had my second bad report on scans showing new and enlarged tumors. The Oncologists positive spin on this: “Well, it’s not going wild.” As someone who has been known to go wild and often, I guess I should be glad.

I have had two weeks of the worst indigestion ever. I discovered that probiotics, and digestive enzymes fix me right up. Good news! And, before I recovered from the gastric issues I developed a new pain in my upper back. At first I thought I pulled a muscle exercising, but it has gotten worse over three weeks. It doesn’t feel like good news.

I have come to accept that this is my life now. It may get better. It better get better, but for now it sucks. What to do? Make my own good news.

The current issue of CURE magazine features The Write Stuff, an article about the healing power of expressive writing. As a long time journal writer I agree, and wonder why I have resisted this long. Was I really waiting to feel well, or is something else going on? I suspect I fear no one will want to read if I don’t always hold onto my optimistic and motivational style? Perhaps I think I have nothing worth saying if it is not in support of others? Perhaps I am full of crap?

I really don’t know, and it really doesn’t matter. What matters is getting back in the game regardless. I will continue to resist I am sure, and I am here to say I will persevere. I have to. This is not over yet. Now I am off to the city to pick up proofs for a very , VERY, cool Cancer related art project! That too is cathartic and must be done. This is good news.

From the Heart,

116 Responses to Time Flies When It Is Not Standing Still
  1. Sara
    July 13, 2012 | 6:49 pm

    WHAT a cool photo. You go, Pirate Girl!

  2. Janice Bear
    July 13, 2012 | 7:10 pm

    In my heart I feel all sorts of comforting, encouraging, compassionate things. But my fingers don’t know how to type feelings. I can’t feel in your place, but I do have feelings for you. So here, have some very good feelings from me to you.

  3. Bill
    July 13, 2012 | 7:26 pm

    Show me “really living” in “real life” and I’ll show you IHOP. We’re all just flapjacks who waffle! Write on.

  4. Mary Lee
    July 13, 2012 | 7:30 pm

    Gywn,
    I like your statement:

    What to do? Make my own good news.

    Yes,

    I like that very much.

    Mary Lee

  5. sandy reeb
    July 13, 2012 | 7:34 pm

    I so appreciate your writings and taking us all on this journey with you! You’ve been through SO much these past 7 months but your spirit is strong!! I’m continuing to pray….

  6. TerryLynn
    July 13, 2012 | 7:56 pm

    I love reading your posts and blog. You motivate me to get out there and live. I am inspired by your bravery and I admire your selfless sharing of your story. Thank you.

  7. Vickie
    July 13, 2012 | 11:24 pm

    So many things we have experienced that are similar. I know how you feel and your writing helps and encourages me. Thank you for sharing. I will continue to pray for you!

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  8. Emma
    July 14, 2012 | 1:31 am

    I’ll definitely read whether your writing is optimistic or not. I like honesty.

    Hope to see you soon!

  9. Lindy Ratcliffe
    July 14, 2012 | 2:02 am

    Gwyn, thank you for the update. It is thought provoking. Glad your lower back doesn’t hurt anymore. I keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
    Blessings to you,
    Lindy

    • Tina
      May 14, 2017 | 5:46 pm

      Articles like this really grease the shafts of knweeodgl.

  10. Eleanor
    July 14, 2012 | 2:20 am

    Go girl! I would love to hear more about your project. Hugs:-)

  11. debe
    July 14, 2012 | 11:53 am

    Keep writing, keep arting.

    Keep being.

    A life change/challenge is endured/embraced.

    If I didn’t want to hear/read you, I wouldn’t sign up for your updates.

    Praying

  12. Kim Mailhot
    July 16, 2012 | 12:25 pm

    I hope that there are many “good news” moments and “feeling okay” hours that help you stay in the sweet living groove, Beautiful Gwyn.
    Sending those big rays of light and love at you !

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