When Your Brain Takes a Break…

“Just do it.”

“Start where you are.”

“One step at a time.”

And so it goes. I’ve been in this place before, heard all the wise quotes, and done the therapy. Still, I get stuck in my head, and the world turns gray while I am not paying attention. Sure, it is different this time given my Cancer, and the 4 or 5 drugs I take, and it is also the same. What happened?

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”

Don’t I know it! Look where I’ve got myself. I have so many great ideas, wonderful ways to do meaningful work, everything I need to do it. Still I sit in my chair most days, doing no more than slowly knit a hat to cover my soon to be bald head.

What am I so afraid of?

The truth is I am very afraid. Afraid of chemo, afraid of feeling like crap, afraid it won’t work. I’m afraid of many things concerning my health, my treatment, and my life, but I am not afraid of my art. Again, what happened?

It hit me like a freight train the way it always does. When Steve and I were having a sad conversation about when, and if one should give up on trying staying alive. I realized that a big part of me did not want to try any more.

That’s when it hit me, I’m depressed.

I have been on anti-depressant/anxiety drugs for about 20 years. I started just before they were prescribing Prozac like vitamins.  Based on my experience my life is far better when I take these drugs, however  they  seem to stop working after about 4 or 5 years. I get into a funk and then about two weeks later the freight train, holy crap I remember this!

So, here I am 9 days away from starting chemo and a trial drug, and starting new brain meds. That means getting off the old one which can be another thing to fear. Like I said though, just knowing what I am dealing with makes me feel a whole lot better. Better enough to draw a cat!

Seriously, I needed something like the cat to ease me back into my artist groove (thanks Emma). As I already said I believe drugs help my brain work, however that is not the only thing I’ve been lacking. I need to do. I need to be creative, and active, and productive on a regular basis to keep my mojo going, as much as I need a pill to keep me in balance. I have been told many times, “don’t be hard on yourself”, “you need rest”, “take it easy”.  All well intended, but not what I need.

The thing is I have felt quite well the past few weeks aside from my funk. I am not by any means unable to sit here and type, or draw a cat, etc. So please, encourage me as I move back into myself. As I start doing what I intended when I began this blog. What was that anyhow? In the coming months I will need that encouragement.

75 Responses to When Your Brain Takes a Break…
  1. Christine Martell
    October 12, 2012 | 8:33 pm

    I love your cat. Always glad to see you show up in whatever form.

  2. Vickie
    October 12, 2012 | 8:47 pm

    I have been struggling with the same things you write about. Everyday I know I need to do to help me in healing and being but I struggle to even start. I like your cat. Maybe we could encourage each other.

  3. sandy reeb
    October 12, 2012 | 9:43 pm

    aww, Gwyn…hugs! Didn’t some of the most prolific, talented artists battle depression?? Michelangelo, Van Gogh,….. Just know you are not alone. You have so many friends and family that love you and are keeping you in thoughts and prayers! Also, not to “preach”, but the Bible has much to say about fear and anxiety …might be worth a look. AND I love your cat! :)

  4. Emma
    October 12, 2012 | 10:49 pm

    I love this cat! Perfect. I’m so glad you were inspired to pick up the pen and draw.

  5. Lindy Ratcliffe
    October 13, 2012 | 12:21 am

    Gwyn…I’ve been sitting here looking at your cat for quite a while and thinking about what you’ve written. Just want you to know that you are always in my prayers, along with two other friends who have cancer. Stupid cancer. Love and healing to you and Steve—

    Lindy

  6. Mary Lee
    October 13, 2012 | 3:47 am

    Hmmmm,Gwyn, how to move forward with the work? How to move out of the funk? Here are some things that I’m working with that sometimes help me:

    I look at inspiring images such as a friend’s artwork, magazines of photographs (National Geographic is a favorite of mine),Pinterest, artist’s blogs, or art books.

    I’m working on a visual journal that I write in, draw in, and keep interesting things that I may use in the future such as quotes, or scraps of paper, or fabric, or a napkin.

    Sometimes, I make a plan to just go and sit in my studio, and pull out whatever may be interesting–and build from there. When I begin, it helps, and I feel better just to be working, to be creating again.

    I wish you godspeed in your creating–in whatever form that takes. And I will appreciate whatever you share with us.

    Thank you,
    Mary Lee

  7. debe
    October 13, 2012 | 9:30 am

    Dearest Gwen,

    Knowing you are not alone is often not enough.

    I was happy to see the email this morning showing me that you are still alive and blogging, and then see you are in that dark hole of depression.

    I am not able to put myself in your shoes, and the folks that tell you to rest more, blah blah blah… they mean well but haven’t been there either.

    Praying that the spirit lifts you up a bit, to show you that it isn’t the new normal.

    Being scared is just natural for most folks in your situation. Drugs are pretty scary because they change your brain chemistry so much, and we would like to think we are in control… and often we are slapped into the reality that we are never in control.

    Every time I personally go through this “crap I am off this NOW” feeling it takes months to pinpoint that I am better on the damn drugs.

    Huge hugs and best wishes on this journey to wellness.

    Please keep blogging even a little bit every day, and know that we are out here in cyber space with you.

    xxx ooo

    debe

  8. Kathryn
    October 14, 2012 | 3:55 pm

    Create please :)

  9. Phil
    October 17, 2012 | 2:37 pm

    Many of us are afraid of outcomes we don’t yet know, and the pills only carry us so far. It takes courage to face the future and sometimes it’s too damn hard to summon it. And then, it takes just one little thing to pick us up a bit to be brave. I hope you have many of those moments coming your way.

    At any given moment, try to do what feels right to you, what encourages you, and what makes you happy. In my mind, I always see you smiling and happy and that is what I wish for you…and Steve.

  10. alertid
    August 6, 2013 | 6:47 pm

    Hi! This is my first comment here so I just wanted to give
    a quick shout out and tell you I truly enjoy reading through your articles.

    Can you recommend any other blogs/websites/forums that deal with the same subjects?
    Thanks!

  11. Human Growth Hormone
    February 7, 2015 | 6:27 am

    Hey there, I think your website might be having browser compatibility issues.
    When I look at your blog in Chrome, it looks fine but when opening in Internet Explorer,
    it has some overlapping. I just wanted to give you a quick heads up!
    Other then that, very good blog!

  12. Foot Problems
    February 10, 2015 | 8:37 pm

    Hi there colleagues, how is all, and what you would like to say regarding
    this piece of writing, in my view its in fact amazing in support of me.

  13. Bone Spurs
    February 15, 2015 | 10:56 am

    I do agree with all of the concepts you’ve offered for your post.
    They are very convincing and will definitely
    work. Still, the posts are very brief for newbies. May just
    you please prolong them a bit from next time? Thanks for the post.

  14. Ankle Pain symptoms
    February 16, 2015 | 12:01 am

    I believe what you composed was actually very logical.
    But, think on this, what if you added a little information? I
    ain’t saying your content isn’t good, but suppose you added a headline to possibly get
    folk’s attention? I mean When Your Brain Takes a Break

  15. Achilles Pain treatment
    February 16, 2015 | 2:05 pm

    Nice weblog here! Additionally your website quite a bit up fast!
    What host are you using? Can I get your affiliate hyperlink on your host?

    I wish my website loaded up as quickly as yours lol

  16. hallux valgus causes
    February 17, 2015 | 12:44 pm

    It’s awesome to visit this website and reading the views of
    all friends regarding this piece of writing, while I am
    also keen of getting knowledge.

  17. Human Growth Hormone
    February 17, 2015 | 4:52 pm

    Fastidious response in return of this query with genuine arguments and describing the whole
    thing regarding that.

    • Shanna
      May 14, 2017 | 7:59 pm

      Dag nabbit good stuff you whpnserspapierp!

  18. Look Taller
    February 18, 2015 | 8:35 am

    Hi my loved one! I want to say that this post is amazing, nice
    written and include approximately all significant infos.
    I’d like to look extra posts like this .

  19. Orthotic Arch Support
    February 21, 2015 | 10:29 am

    Hi, i think that i noticed you visited my web site thus i came to go back the prefer?.I’m trying
    to find things to enhance my website!I guess its
    adequate to make use of some of your ideas!!

  20. Treatment For Foot Pain
    February 21, 2015 | 1:48 pm

    Great site you have here.. It’s difficult to find excellent writing like yours these days.
    I truly appreciate people like you! Take care!!

  21. Heel Spur
    March 4, 2015 | 8:49 pm

    Hi everybody, here every person is sharing such knowledge, therefore it’s nice to read this weblog,
    and I used to go to see this webpage all the time.

  22. Insoles For Height
    March 6, 2015 | 10:44 am

    You’re so cool! I don’t suppose I’ve read anything like that before.

    So great to find somebody with a few genuine thoughts on this subject.
    Seriously.. thank you for starting this up. This website
    is one thing that’s needed on the internet, someone with some originality!

  23. Bunion Cushions
    March 7, 2015 | 10:02 am

    This site definitely has all of the information and facts I wanted
    concerning this subject and didn’t know who to ask.

  24. Heel Pain symptoms
    March 8, 2015 | 11:05 pm

    It’s amazing in favor of me to have a web page, which is useful
    in support of my experience. thanks admin

  25. Mortons Neuroma
    March 9, 2015 | 10:53 pm

    I’ve read some excellent stuff here. Definitely price bookmarking
    for revisiting. I wonder how much effort you place to make one of these magnificent informative site.

  26. Bunion Pain symptoms
    March 10, 2015 | 6:27 am

    naturally like your website but you have to check the spelling on several
    of your posts. Many of them are rife with spelling problems
    and I to find it very bothersome to inform the reality however I will certainly
    come again again.

  27. Human Growth
    March 10, 2015 | 7:38 am

    Fabulous, what a blog it is! This web site gives helpful facts
    to us, keep it up.

  28. Diabetic Foot
    March 11, 2015 | 12:29 am

    It’s an remarkable article in favor of all the online users; they will take benefit from it
    I am sure.

  29. Get Taller
    March 11, 2015 | 3:45 pm

    If you are going for finest contents like me, simply
    pay a quick visit this site all the time for the reason that it gives quality contents, thanks

  30. Lower Back Supports
    March 12, 2015 | 12:32 pm

    After looking at a few of the blog posts on your site, I seriously appreciate your way of writing a blog.
    I bookmarked it to my bookmark website list and will be checking
    back in the near future. Take a look at my
    website too and tell me how you feel.

  31. Ball Of Foot
    March 13, 2015 | 3:31 pm

    Quality posts is the main to be a focus for the people to visit the web page, that’s what this website is providing.

  32. Bunion Pain causes
    March 14, 2015 | 1:46 am

    No matter if some one searches for his required thing, so he/she
    wishes to be available that in detail, therefore that thing is maintained over here.

  33. Bunion Pain causes
    March 14, 2015 | 11:52 am

    It’s going to be ending of mine day, but before end I am reading
    this fantastic piece of writing to increase my knowledge.

  34. Heel Pain symptoms
    March 14, 2015 | 2:54 pm

    May I simply just say what a comfort to uncover somebody who actually knows what they are discussing online.
    You certainly understand how to bring an issue to light and make
    it important. More people need to check this out and understand this side of the story.
    It’s surprising you aren’t more popular since you surely possess the gift.

  35. Height Growth Plus
    March 17, 2015 | 11:14 am

    Hi there, for all time i used to check website posts here in the
    early hours in the daylight, for the reason that i enjoy to learn more and more.

  36. Height Insoles
    March 17, 2015 | 1:19 pm

    If you are going for best contents like I do, simply visit
    this site daily since it provides quality contents, thanks

  37. Treatment For Foot Pain
    March 18, 2015 | 5:26 pm

    Hello, after reading this remarkable post i am also cheerful to
    share my knowledge here with colleagues.

  38. Toe Pain symptoms
    March 19, 2015 | 4:02 pm

    This site certainly has all the info I needed concerning this
    subject and didn’t know who to ask.

  39. hallux limitus
    March 20, 2015 | 11:22 pm

    Thanks for one’s marvelous posting! I certainly enjoyed
    reading it, you can be a great author. I will be sure to bookmark your blog and
    will eventually come back down the road. I want to encourage you to continue your great job,
    have a nice weekend!

  40. High Arched Feet
    March 21, 2015 | 1:46 am

    You actually make it appear so easy along with your presentation however I
    find this matter to be really one thing that I feel
    I might by no means understand. It seems too complicated and extremely broad for
    me. I’m having a look forward for your subsequent publish, I’ll attempt to get the grasp of it!

  41. Foot Corns
    March 24, 2015 | 2:22 am

    When some one searches for his vital thing, so he/she wishes to
    be available that in detail, therefore that thing is maintained
    over here.

  42. Insoles For High Arch
    March 24, 2015 | 8:03 am

    You really make it appear so easy together with your presentation but I in finding this matter
    to be really one thing that I think I might by no means understand.
    It kind of feels too complicated and very extensive for
    me. I am having a look ahead in your subsequent post,
    I’ll attempt to get the cling of it!

  43. Foot Pronation
    March 26, 2015 | 9:04 pm

    Pretty! This was an extremely wonderful post.

    Thanks for supplying this info.

  44. Insoles For Height
    March 27, 2015 | 12:53 am

    I’m not certain where you’re getting your info, however good topic.
    I must spend a while studying much more or figuring out more.

    Thanks for magnificent information I used to be in search of this information for my mission.

  45. Foot Arch Pain causes
    March 27, 2015 | 7:59 pm

    It’s genuinely very difficult in this busy life to listen news on TV, so I only use internet for that reason, and take the hottest news.

  46. Toe Pain symptoms
    March 30, 2015 | 8:39 am

    I do not even know the way I ended up here, but I thought this post was good.
    I don’t realize who you are however certainly
    you’re going to a famous blogger in case you aren’t already.
    Cheers!

  47. Bunion Cushions
    March 30, 2015 | 9:18 am

    Wonderful website you have here but I was wanting to know if you knew of any user discussion forums that cover
    the same topics talked about here? I’d really like to be a part of group where I can get responses from other experienced
    individuals that share the same interest. If you have
    any recommendations, please let me know. Many thanks!

  48. Get Taller
    April 1, 2015 | 11:59 pm

    Superb post but I was wondering if you could
    write a litte more on this topic? I’d be very thankful if you could
    elaborate a little bit further. Many thanks!

  49. Foot Pain
    April 2, 2015 | 3:05 pm

    We stumbled over here coming from a different website and thought I should
    check things out. I like what I see so i am just following you.
    Look forward to finding out about your web page yet again.

  50. Treatment For Foot Pain
    April 2, 2015 | 3:39 pm

    My brother suggested I may like this website.
    He was once totally right. This publish actually made my day.
    You can not imagine simply how so much time I had spent for this info!
    Thanks!

  51. Get Taller
    April 3, 2015 | 8:58 am

    I don’t even know the way I stopped up here, however I
    assumed this submit was once good. I don’t recognize who you might be but definitely you are going to a well-known blogger in the event you aren’t already.
    Cheers!

  52. Heel Pain symptoms
    April 7, 2015 | 1:56 am

    Wow, that’s what I was exploring for, what a
    stuff! present here at this blog, thanks admin of this website.

  53. Foot Pain symptoms
    April 12, 2015 | 11:50 am

    Hi, after reading this amazing paragraph i am as well glad
    to share my knowledge here with colleagues.

  54. Heel Pain treatment
    April 13, 2015 | 1:48 am

    Have you ever thought about publishing an e-book or guest
    authoring on other sites? I have a blog based upon on the same subjects you discuss and would love to have you share some stories/information. I know my audience would enjoy your work.
    If you are even remotely interested, feel free to send me an email.

  55. Foot Conditions
    April 13, 2015 | 5:46 am

    Very good article! We will be linking to this particularly great article on our site.
    Keep up the good writing.

  56. Human Growth
    April 14, 2015 | 11:58 pm

    Unquestionably believe that that you stated. Your favorite reason seemed to be at the web
    the easiest thing to be aware of. I say to you, I certainly get annoyed
    whilst other folks think about worries that they just do not recognize about.
    You managed to hit the nail upon the top and also
    defined out the whole thing with no need side effect , other people could take a signal.
    Will probably be again to get more. Thank you

  57. Shin Pain treatment
    April 15, 2015 | 3:27 am

    Awesome things here. I’m very satisfied to see your
    post. Thanks so much and I’m looking ahead to touch
    you. Will you please drop me a e-mail?

  58. Lower Back Supports
    April 15, 2015 | 6:17 am

    Thanks for some other informative blog. The place
    else may I am getting that type of info written in such an ideal means?
    I have a venture that I am just now running on, and I’ve been at the glance out for such info.

  59. Achilles Pain
    April 19, 2015 | 1:47 pm

    Thankfulness to my father who informed me concerning this blog, this web site
    is genuinely amazing.

  60. hallux valgus treatment
    April 26, 2015 | 8:52 pm

    Hi Dear, are you in fact visiting this website on a regular basis,
    if so afterward you will without doubt take pleasant experience.

  61. Heel Pads
    April 27, 2015 | 1:00 pm

    Magnificent beat ! I wish to apprentice while you amend your site,
    how could i subscribe for a blog site? The account aided me a
    acceptable deal. I had been a little bit acquainted of this your broadcast provided bright clear idea

  62. Flat Feet
    June 3, 2015 | 2:31 am

    If you are going for finest contents like me, only pay a visit this web page every day
    as it gives quality contents, thanks

  63. Foot Pain
    June 5, 2015 | 11:39 am

    Hi there everyone, it’s my first pay a visit at this web page,
    and post is genuinely fruitful designed for me, keep up posting these
    types of posts.

  64. Dr Ayurveda
    June 5, 2015 | 12:03 pm

    I don’t know if it’s just me or if perhaps everybody else experiencing issues with your website.

    It looks like some of the text on your content are running off the screen. Can somebody else please provide feedback and let me
    know if this is happening to them as well? This may be a problem with my
    internet browser because I’ve had this happen before. Thank you

  65. Upper Back Braces
    June 6, 2015 | 1:49 am

    It’s going to be finish of mine day, however before ending I am reading this great
    post to increase my knowledge.

  66. Foot Callous
    June 6, 2015 | 2:56 am

    Hi to every , for the reason that I am truly eager
    of reading this weblog’s post to be updated regularly.
    It consists of nice information.

  67. Achilles Pain treatment
    June 7, 2015 | 3:10 am

    It’s great that you are getting thoughts from this article as
    well as from our discussion made here.

  68. Celebrity Height
    June 13, 2015 | 4:19 am

    Aw, this was an extremely nice post. Taking the time and actual effort to create a very good article… but what
    can I say… I procrastinate a lot and don’t manage to get nearly anything done.

  69. Heel Lift
    June 14, 2015 | 8:00 am

    I do consider all of the ideas you’ve offered to your post.

    They are very convincing and can definitely work.
    Still, the posts are very short for newbies. Could you please prolong them a little from
    next time? Thanks for the post.

  70. Bunion
    July 18, 2015 | 11:54 pm

    Howdy very cool site!! Guy .. Beautiful .. Superb ..
    I’ll bookmark your blog and take the feeds also? I’m satisfied to search out numerous
    helpful info here within the publish, we want develop extra techniques
    on this regard, thank you for sharing. . . . . .

  71. Heel Spur
    August 1, 2015 | 10:01 am

    Every weekend i used to pay a quick visit this web page,
    because i wish for enjoyment, as this this web site conations really fastidious funny material too.

  72. Fallen Arch Insoles
    August 6, 2015 | 8:15 pm

    It is really a great and useful piece of info. I’m satisfied that
    you shared this helpful info with us. Please keep us
    up to date like this. Thanks for sharing.

  73. หนัง
    January 24, 2016 | 4:20 am

    Excellent website. A lot of helpful info here. I am sending it
    to some buddies ans also sharing in delicious. And of course, thank you
    for your effort!

  74. หนัง
    January 28, 2016 | 7:01 am

    Hello There. I found your weblog the usage of msn. That is an extremely well written article.
    I’ll make sure to bookmark it and come back to learn extra
    of your helpful info. Thank you for the post. I will certainly return.

Leave a Reply

Wanting to leave an <em>phasis on your comment?

Trackback URL http://www.arthopetruth.com/2012/10/12/when-your-brain-takes-break/trackback/